As I have mentioned previously, my older kids didn’t come home this summer, making it very quiet. Too quiet for this mom who has always been used to the bustle and noise that four kids are capable of making. Yet, in a fairly short time; four became three, three became two, and now there is but one little (or perhaps, not so little) bird left in my nest. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them and all that they are doing. They are stepping out into the world, trusting God and following the path He has laid before them.
I just miss the chaos.
I learned a long time ago that I am one of those people who tends to be more productive when things are a little on the crazy side. I prefer a busy day at work, over one that is quiet with less tasks to do. I like to be moving and doing, making some noise… I tend to not do quiet very well at all.
When all four kids were younger, we were extremely busy–we were always on the go. In the early years it was soccer games in the spring/fall, softball and baseball in the summer. As my older children entered middle school, we added band and chorus, as well as more sporting events. Then we became more involved in our church, with Awana and other forms of fellowship. It was there within the walls of our church that something unexpected happened, my extended family began to grow. The relationships that I formed there, that my children did as well, gave us the family we so desperately needed.
But the walls stood high.
As a single parent, perhaps more so because of the broken person I was… I struggled for years to let people in. Somehow, in this new environment I was finally able to let down my walls and started letting people in. I was shown unconditional love over and over again. My children saw firsthand what compassion looks like and how to be more like Jesus themselves. I have always said that it takes a village to raise a child (especially for the single parent), I am so very blessed that the majority of my village was within the walls of our little church. With my children, I learned what “normal” looked like, how families interacted minus the hurt and dysfunction. It was the beginning of our healing process as a family, of my healing process as a parent and a child of God.
Thank God for Hope.
So I am back to dealing with the moments when I feel sad and alone, and the darkness closes in. I wish I could say that one day it will just “poof” vanish and I will always feel happy and content. I don’t think that is possible for any of us as mere humans who walk this earth, less possible for those of us who have experienced more darkness than we sometimes care to admit. Yet, in the darkness, He is there. As I woke this morning, I set down at the table with my coffee and opened my Jesus Calling devotional.
HOPE is a golden cord connecting you to heaven… I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand… without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective… You are reminded that the road we’re traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven… the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual Presence and the hope of heaven.
These were exactly the words I needed to read, that He needed for me to read. It seems so ironic that it always works that way. I may miss a day, or study something differently; but no matter what I read or where I read it from; He has me reading comforting and encouraging words from some sort of a devotional; ultimately directing me to His word through scripture.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
1 Thessalonians 5:8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.
Hebrews 6:18-19a God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
Then His words direct me further, to song. Thus allowing me to sing and praise Him for all he has done in my life. He is always with me, has always been… even in the darkest moments, the saddest moments, the moments when I feel the most alone.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.
He carries us… He never leaves our side. We are never alone.
So even as my children fly away, out into a world that I have hopefully properly prepared them for. I am not alone, my God is with me, He loves me and He gives me just what I need… when I need it the most.
Until the next moment,