Untitled Poem

I have not written in nearly a year, life has kept me busy. That busy has included a move to a new city (which I will write more about soon) as well as continuing my online studies. In the class I am currently in, we had to choose a topic that we would write about for the entire five week period. I struggled down to the last moment before I chose my topic. I kept staring at the list we were provided and nothing seemed to sound right. I didn’t want to deal with anything to political, or anything that was extremely controversial. Then, as I was reading through the list for what seemed like the hundredth time, I stopped on “family” it had a variety of sub thoughts, of the different topics that could be considered. The one thing I didn’t see was “single parenting” which is more and more prevalent and I certainly know a thing or two about, so I finally had a topic to which I would be writing about over the course of the class.

Each week we would write using a different voice, or speaking to a different audience. Week three was a narrative, where I was able to share a brief part of my story of how I became a single parent over two decades ago. This week, week four, we had the option of writing a poem… I was so excited when I saw this, because it is indeed one of my favorite forms of creative writing. So I took my narrative and pieced together the following untitled poem. It brought back a lot of memories, and was very cathartic to write, I hope you enjoy it.

First time mom, fear of the unknown
Replaced with excitement, joy, and unbounding love.
You were there for support, companionship.
We were together, through the laughter and the tears.
Marriage, full commitment – sharing what lies ahead.
Another baby, more laughter and joy to share.
Pregnant… again.
Oh the plans me made, the dreams we shared.
Then… glimpses of uncertainty
Our lives began to be, just out of place.
The little things I thought I knew to be true,
Those simple little moments in our lives became unclear. 
New baby, less laughter and joy.
Still trying to pinpoint when it all fell out of place
When the chaos truly began.
Bills unpaid – utilities shut off.
The uneasy feeling as we “borrowed” electricity-
The five of us huddled in one room, a single lamp providing light.
So many tears falling on that fate filled morning
Angry tears, tears filled with fear and disappointment.
Thankful for the officer who gave me time,
Time to remove everything we owned
From the home that was no longer our own.
Crying, sobbing, just wanting to scream.
Black trash bags on the curb
Humiliated, humbled, filled with uncertainty.
Turmoil, secrets, unanswered questions.
Would love be enough?
I was a mama bear
Hell bent on protecting my children.
Even if protecting them
Meant walking away from the love of my life.
More packing, this time with boxes.
Packing tape and address labels,
Choosing what comes with us
And what forever remains lost to the chaos.
Packing for the flight-
Shoving everything possible into two suitcases and a carry-on bag.
Walking through the airport,
Boarding the plane.
The initial stares… Who could blame them?
A young mother, two toddlers and a baby?
An unaccommodating flight crew.
A pair of gracious passengers
Willing to help.
Excited with wide eyes
Peanuts and “Captain’s Wings”
Helped to get us through the flight.
Work hard. Be reliable.
Dare to dream.
Work hard. Stay reliable.
Show them you’re different.
Work hard. Study harder.
Dream. Achieve.
Doesn’t have to be the norm.
Be the one to step out-
To build a different life.
Be the one…
Break the cycle, be the change.
Families can look different.
Look beyond the walls of your home.
Look beyond the DNA.
Look around you, community, village-
Find the love and support that is there
Waiting for you.
Create a new family, build friendships.
Hold tight to those who love you,
Tell them how you feel.
Say what you mean to say.
Take care of you and yours…
Be the wind beneath their wings.
Until the next moment,

Finding Comfort in the Silence

I wrote last week about being physically stifled by the silence of my summer, and in doing so, I allowed those closest to me to know what I was feeling and had been unable to express. Breaking my own silence, allowed those individuals whom I love and who love me, to truly know what I was enduring and pray for me… help me to be able to pray for myself, once again. It has also been in this last week that I have stepped outside of my comfort zone a time or two and allowed for more of the people around me, to really see me. I have never underestimated the power of prayer, but in this last week I have certainly felt the comfort of prayer more than I have in a very long time.

It has been in this last week, that I was reminded by others, as well as myself that silence isn’t always a bad thing, in fact… just this morning I was reminded that I need to remember to “be still” in His presence. Allowing myself to meditate in the silence with Jesus and listen to His direction in my life.


So, I sit here this morning, coffee at my side, and listen… listen to what the silence has to offer. Nearly all sounds averted, yet, there are some that are reminders of all I have in my life. First sound, is that of the clock on the wall–ticking away, rhythmically, like a steady pulse; reminding me that within me, my heart too, beats with a steady pulse because God has given me the gift of life.


Next, there is the sound of the rain that has been falling most of the morning… as it taps on the roof of my home, I am reminded that I have a roof over my head, I have a home that provides me with shelter and a gentle reminder that not all people are so blessed. As the rain falls on my lawn, I am reminded of our farmers in the community, harvest will be here before we know it and this rain will help them to have a bountiful crop. This crop will help provide many of us, even those beyond our little community with food for their tables. Listening to the rain fall, I am sadly reminded that there are so many who do not… that there are small children who might go without eating today.


Then there is the sound of a train as it blows it whistle, as it passes through our sleepy little town. This is a reminder, not of the “noise”, but of what the train signifies for so many. Without trains, it would be much more difficult to transport so many different and important provisions all over the country. Whether it be food or fuel… the trains are vital, as well as providing jobs for so many people, allowing them to be able to provide for their families.

The next sound that breaks through the silence of my morning is actually that of two different sounds–first the dog quietly growling/barking at the noises and activities that our occurring outside our front door, and that of my daughter (who fell asleep on the couch) telling him to “be quiet”. It is through these two wonderful sounds, that I am reminded of all that I have that is comforting in my life, in this very moment. Today, I have my sweet daughter here at home with me. And even in her absence this summer, I had the comfort of our dog, to provide me with his unconditional love and protection. It is this thought, that of “unconditional love” that further reminds me of the One who also provides an unconditional love, if we so choose to receive it.

My devotional this morning (Jesus Always, Sarah Young) request that we “Come Rest With Me“, asking us to put aside some of the the tasks that may be urging us, to set them aside, ever so briefly and spend a few moments with the One who knows what we need. “I know what you need most” He tells us, “to be still in My Presence“. When we allow ourselves to take the time to find our balance, to set our feet on solid ground for the day; when we do so by meditating with Christ and doing so by reading His word… we equip ourselves to take on any given day, no matter how loud or how silent it may be. The Living Word of God gives us the necessary strength we need each day, as it “infuses” fresh life into us; moment by moment, throughout a given day.


Once we are fueled by His Word, we can take on our day, and if we allow ourselves to–we can bring what He placed on our hearts, what He showed us in His Word; into our day, sharing and spreading His light and goodness to all. When you reach a moment that seems to hard, too difficult to get through on your own, whisper His name; quietly speak the name of Jesus and bring Him ever closer to you, His nearness will then provide you with the strength you need to move forward, stepping over any stone or hole in the path that lies before you. “In everything you do, put Me first“.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God” ~ Psalm 46:10

 For the word of God is alive and active… it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. ~ Hebrews 4:12

He will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:6b

So I ask you, no I implore you, to embrace the silence, not the darkness, but the silence that will always allow you to find comfort in Him. Let Him speak to your inner most being, listen to His prompting; as He guides your soul… When you allow yourself to spend those first initial moments of your day with Him, He will provide you with what you need to guide you through anything that may be a part of the day’s path. Trust in what He shows you, allow Him to bring you through the silence and darkness, into His warm and loving light.

Until the next moment,



Never Alone… Then why do I feel so lonely?

As I sit down to write, I remind myself that it has been another extended period of time since I have written, nearly two months. I really do want to try to work on that, writing more often… but I continue to allow my life to get the best of me and I fall silent. A silence that mostly suffocates me and makes things worse. I have been wallowing, stuck in the mud and muck that surrounds me as I try and deal with the storms of life, most of them natural and even expected, that continue to come my way. I feel broken, and the broken pieces have fallen into separate sections of my life–leaving me all the more disconnected. In my last entry I shared the joyous moments of my children’s lives, two college graduations, as well as my oldest daughter and her husband purchasing their first home.  Joy. Happiness. Contentment. Yet, if I’m honest, I only experienced those feelings briefly and then they were quickly gone.

My summer has been quiet, something I am not used to. In the past there have always been a plethora of activities that have kept me busy, kept my mind out of the dark place it tends to go. But as we all know, life changes; especially with age. My children are older and I am slowly loosing the one job I depend on to help me move through this life, the job of being “mom”. Oh, then still call and text, and ask me about the important stuff… Send me a silly SnapChat, but it’s just not the same. Today, they make a lot, if not most of their decisions on their own; able to do so because I prepared them for the next stage of their lives. I wish someone would have better prepared me for this stage of my life.

I have always struggled with depression and when I don’t have something to do, especially with my children also being gone; my life gets a little darker and I all to often surrender to that darkness. The sort of surrender that leaves me stuck and motionless, the sort of surrender that keeps me from leaving the confinement of my home unless I have to work, or when I go to church.  I wish I could tell you this is an exaggeration, but it is not… My youngest has been gone a total of five weeks this summer, off at camp, serving the Lord as a junior cabin leader. The weeks that she has been gone, I have only left the house when I had to work at my part-time job at the local hotel (12-15 hours each week). When there, depending on the time of day, I may not speak to anyone, not even answer the phone. A sort of solitude that only exasperates the problem.

I realize that this is no one else’s problem but my own. It has become easier and easier as the summer passes, then last week something happened and I realized I really needed to do something, or I am most certainly going to become one of those crazy cat ladies who orders in her groceries and doesn’t have a real or meaningful conversation with anyone unless it is via a keyboard and computer screen. So last week, I had a meeting that had been scheduled since the week before that I was supposed to attend. However, when that day came, I didn’t make it to the meeting; I didn’t ever make it off my couch. I got stuck, the darkness swallowed me up that day, more than it ever had before; leaving me numb and feeling more alone than ever. I did nothing that day, nothing. I laid on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, with the TV playing episode after episode of a program I was barely paying attention to. I broke down emotionally when it came time to leave, I absolutely could not do it. I sent a text apologizing, and continued to stay confined within the walls of my home, sitting there on my couch.

Being alone has always been a part of who I am, growing up, I secluded myself from others when I could, feeling safer alone; not wanting them to learn my secrets, to know who I really was, all that happened to me. During that portion of my life, the silence and solitude represented what I perceived as one of the only safe parts of my life. I am now discovering that it is that early conditioning which I unwittingly did, that has predisposed me to some almost anti-social behavior and is keeping me from being the light He wants and needs me to be.

Then something occurred this summer, that is helping me to move away from this self-sabotage of sorts. A dear friend lost her husband in a terrible accident, leaving her much too young of a widow, and very much alone. He was a wonderful man, a surrogate brother of sorts… an annoying one at times, opinionated and often larger than life, yet I loved him, as so many people who knew him did. Yet, he was instantly and oh so unexpectedly taken from all our lives, from her life, and that of their son. While, I did not loose my husband, the father of my three oldest children to death; I remember those first few months, even the first couple years trying to adjust to him being gone from our lives. He too, was permanently gone, yet there is not the closure that death unfortunately brings; and the void his absence left often swallowed me up. Yet, I had three small children to care for, and that gave me a sense of purpose, as well as the necessary strength to move forward, to keep going.

So, God placed it on my heart in those first moments to reach out to my friend and to try and be there for her. Their only son will be heading back to college soon, less than two months after his father’s accident. Not an easy task for this young man, but my heart aches for my friend who will then truly be alone in her home. So, I have been reaching out to her on a regular basis, an encouraging text throughout the week and we have been walking. I told her while I don’t know her specific pain, I do know the loss of that person you love more than life itself, the void it leaves… and about feeling alone. I hope it is helping her… I pray that the specifics of our friendship will continue to grown and change and I that can truly be someone she can turn to and find comfort and strength.

This morning, my devotion reminded me that God will always be a part of our lives, that HE will never leave us, even when those around us might. He is our forever-friend, the eternal lover of our soul… It is in His goodness and righteousness that we will find the security that we need to get through the storms and trails that life brings our way, providing us with a comfort that man can not provide, assuring us that we will someday live with Him in paradise.

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you… I will not fail you or abandon you.” ~Joshua 1:5

“Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” ~Joshua 1:9b

 Be happy with what you have. God has said, “I will never leave you or let you be alone.” ~Hebrews 13:5

never alone

God is always with us, even when we are lost or in too much pain to notice. He is moving in our lives, mightily, and with purpose. His purpose for each us may not be easily understood, but should be embraced… May the first thing we think of as our feet hit the floor in the morning, be the simple truth that He is with us. May His love and the presence of His Spirit, be what guides us through our day, reminding us, moment by moment, that He most certainly lives within us–never leaving us alone.

Until the next moment,